Where The Streets Have No Name

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You know you're from New York City when...

you live in "New Yawk", not New York;

you can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map;

you think Central Park is "nature";

hookers and the homeless are invisible;

you've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple";

the middle finger is a form of communication;

you believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual;

your door has more than three locks;

you consider eye contact an act of overt aggression;

she subway should never be called anything prissy like "the metro";

you think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price;

you secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill;

you call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard;

a slice of pizza is dinner at least once a week;

"mad" is an adverb;

being truly alone makes you nervous;

you don't notice sirens anymore;

you're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you;

you run when you see a flashing "Do Not Walk" sign at the intersection;

you're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license;

you're away from Home and you miss "real" pizza;

someone bumps into you and you check for your wallet;

you cringe at hearing people pronounce "Houston St." like the city in Texas;

film crews on your block annoy, not excite you;

you take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise;

America West of the Hudson is still theoretical to you;

going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip";

you haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since the 80s and, when you did, it terrified you;

you get upset that a cabbie is obeying all the rules of the road;

you don't even notice the nice lady walking down the road having a perfectly normal conversation with herself;

your local news is national news;

communicating with people on the road only takes one finger;

you order your dinner and have it delivered...from the place across the street;

you can tell a gunshot from a firecracker and not get scared, but when you go to the burbs you get scared of hearing a cricket;

you know the lights above the skyscrapers is the closest thing we have to stars;

rather than waiting safely on the sidewalk to cross the street, you wait inches away from speeding traffic waiting to cut through it;

when you are able to make a right turn at a red light...you think it's the best thing ever;

there is no "North" and "South": it's "Uptown" or "Downtown";

you have absolutely no concept of where "North" and "South" are and "East" or "West" is "Crosstown";

you know that a "regular" coffee is;

it's not "Manhattan": it's "The City";

and you expect everyone to know that;

you cross the street anywhere but on the corners and you yell at cars for not respecting your right to do it;

you return after ten years and the first foods you want are a "real pizza" and a "real bagel";

you can nap on the subway and never miss your stop;

the Deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it's a beer;

your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes;

you have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building;

the subway makes sense;

you measure distance in hours;

you know four seasons: almost Winter/cold, Winter, construction...and the oppressive heat and humidity of the Summer;

you can recite all the words to Frank Sinatra's "New York, New York";

you take the 9/11 attacks personally;

you have an anger management problem;

you have no patience for impatience;

you have no tolerance for incompetence;

you would elect Robert De Niro or Joe Pesci for Mayor;

you would elect Giuliani for President;

you feel superior over all people from other states and, more importantly, New Jersey;

you believe you are tougher then anybody else from out of state;

you say "how you doin'?";

you curse more than you should;

you have a big mouth;

you believe the lightest snowfall is an excuse to do nothing;

you pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents;

you've gotten jaywalking down to an art form;

"yellow" means go faster;

you know you're not mean: everyone else is just a sissy;

hating New Jersey is a way of life;

you meet someone from Jersey and you ask: "what exit?";

you're genetically engineered to dislike everywhere except The City;

you may live, work or go to school in another state, but you are New Yorker for life;

The Bronx, Queens, Brooklyn and Staten Island are not "The City": that title is reserved exclusively for Manhattan;

you know that while Staten Island looks like it should belong to NJ, NY has it because they lost a coin toss many years ago.